One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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