I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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