From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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