NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
