textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
