I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
