I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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