I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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