Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize