my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
