Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
