she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
