Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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