I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
