one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
