New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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