My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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