Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i think my cat just said my name.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
