Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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