party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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