The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
