I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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