You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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