david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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