he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
