But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize