you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
