he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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