I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
