I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
