so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
