My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Success! We fucked roommates!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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