Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
