Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
