I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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