and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
