Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
