so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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