you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
