WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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