You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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