mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
