You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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