We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
