Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
