Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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