YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
