She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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