Don't make out with my wife yet
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
