I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize