Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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