she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
