i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
