I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
