I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
