she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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