she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
