hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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