Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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