if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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