I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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