All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
