some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
