she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
