if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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